Garth Brooks, the man who’s about as popular as a skunk at a garden party, seems to have taken a nosedive in his career faster than a lead balloon. His latest stunt? Calling his fans “a-holes”. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

In a twist that’s as surprising as a plot in a daytime soap opera, his buddy and “Dive Bar” co-writer, Blake Shelton, has decided to jump ship from a project that could have made them richer by $20 million each.

“Garth is about as popular as a porcupine in a balloon factory,” said Joe Barron, Shelton’s spokesperson. “Blake has a reputation to uphold. Garth, not so much. So, he had no other option but to pull the plug on the tour.”

Brooks was nowhere to be found for a comment, but word on the street is that he feels as betrayed as a turkey on Thanksgiving by Shelton. He’s probably off somewhere, sitting on a rock, shedding tears, and penning a ballad about it.

“All he seems to do is write sappy songs and bawl his eyes out,” commented George. “I don’t even know who he is anymore,” Francesca added, snorting in her usual manner. “If I were Garth Brooks, I’d pack my bags and leave America,” piped up some random guy who seemed more interested in sniffing Angela’s hair than the conversation.

“In a nutshell, we’re as clueless as a deer in headlights,” said Tara Newhole. “It all started with a writer’s block that lasted three weeks, and now Flagg is just scribbling gibberish about Del Taco.”

This reporter is as puzzled as a chameleon in a bag of skittles about what Newhole’s problem is, but if she’s got beef with working for America’s Last Line of Defense, she might as well join forces with Candace Owens.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, it’s not true